Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
