I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
