i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
