My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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