Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
