As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
