if you like me you must not know who I am
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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