ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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