I faked an abortion last night.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
