i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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