either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
