Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
