I wish I could teleport
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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