Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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