Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
