My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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