I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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