It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
