Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
