Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
