i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
