After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
