the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
