Your face is a jimmy john
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
