I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw a hot homeless man
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
