I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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