ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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