I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
