Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
