All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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