So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
