We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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