my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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