I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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