we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
