mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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