just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
