Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
