i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
