I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
