I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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