An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I had to cum in my sink.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
