cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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