Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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