Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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