Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
