I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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