If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
do nipples grow back?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
