I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
