i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
