he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
